Fly Down
by Bluejay141519
Summary: Tag to 4x17 because screw you CPD writers, screw you. The linstead make up that I needed.


**It had to be done. Like i watched the episode this morning, and at work it wouldn't stop fucking me up LIKE GOD FUCKING DAMN I CANT I CANT I CANT UUGHGHGHGHHGHGSAGASJHFASJFHBDASHADSJHGAJDSHGAS**

 ***ahem***

 **I strongly encourage you to listen to the song, "Fly down" by stephen, i thought the lyrics at least match something in that episode perfectly.**

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 **Erin's P.O.V.**

Two days. Two days of tiptoeing around each other, two days of keeping it strictly professional. Two days of sleep in cold bed, where no amount of pillows did anything to fill the void.

Two days of me going between homicidal rage and desperate heart break. Going between 'how DARE he do this to me' to 'you did much worse on your sabbatical but he never gave up on you and he's just trying to figure things don't let him keep pushing you away but don't crowd him either.'

Two days of waiting for him to hurry up and talk to me so we can fix this. Fix _us._

The problem is I definitely don't know the whole story. I know Jay had a rough time when he came home, and I know alcohol was a thing but that's about it. When it comes to information concerning his past, I have nothing. So while I've been waiting for him to open up about what happened, this is _not_ how I wanted him to tell me.

I can't talk to him about it short of asking him point blank to tell me everything, which will only make him shut down further. I can't confront _her_ about it, because not only do I have no way to contact her, but again, I don't know the whole story.

I'm left drinking his favorite beer at night so I don't have to see it anymore. Also, so I can show up at Will's with a new pack of it and a legitimate excuse as to why.

The waiting factor of all of this is just...I hate it. I hate not knowing where we stand with each other, I hate not knowing if he's okay (though he's clearly not), I hate that he won't let me help him. Patience, is not a virtue that I possess.

Just ask Kim. She's the one I've been ranting to none stop because I can't just sit here on my couch at night with no hockey game on and no random music playing and no Jay making the worst puns in the world while he somehow cooks the best food I've ever eaten.

There's a knock at the door and a tiny part of me screams in childish hope that it might be him. But hes said about four sentences to me outside of work, so that's not gonna happen. I open it without looking through the peephole and holy _shit_.

It happened

Jay barges right past me, pacing into the living room, hands running through his hair and pressing at his face and I can just tell how incredibly nervous he right now.

"Jay what-"

"I love you!" He blurts out, staring right at me, suddenly insanely focused.

"I love you more than I ever thought I could love anybody. I do and I can't lose this, I _can't_. I won't just because I'm a coward."

Immediately alarm bells go off in my head, not just at the self deprecation in his voice, but the way he said 'I can't' like if he did, he'd...

"I'm sorry, Erin I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. There's been so many times, so many times at so many different places that I've been so close to tell you something about my past, to telling you what happened and every time I...I just..." He pauses his fast paced rant, pressing a palm into his forehead and squeezing his eyes shut to the point it looks like it's painful. It probably is, since he's forcing out all of this. He brings his hand away and takes a deep breath, forcing his eyes open and focusing on the floor.

"I panic and I freeze and I just throw on a fake smile and force it to go away. And that's not fair to you, it's not and I know it hurts you and I'm constantly torn between running away so you can get a guy who you deserve and wanting to stay to work this out with you because you're so much stronger than me and I know you can handle it."

He stops suddenly, looking even more panicked and looks wildly around the room, breathing fast and shifting feet telling me how open and vulnerable he feels, how he thinks if he doesn't get this right he'll lose me. And I know how scary that can be.

"Jay." I grip his wrists, digging my nails into the fleshy part to draw his attention to me. I don't know what happened, if he's drunk or tired or what, but something happened to set this off. Maybe it was the two days of silence, but we've both come to rely on each other. So either I was right when I thought that he'd slept just as bad as I did, or something happened between him and Abby and now he's a wreck because of it.

"Listen to me. No matter what happens between us, I need you to understand this. Look at me." I command, digging my nails in tighter. He's shaking, trembling with and impossible amount emotion but he manages to focus.

"No matter what happens between us, I will always, _always_ be there for you. If you ever need help, I will be there. I promise you. So before you decide to do anything _stupid_ I want you to call me okay?" I mean it, as much as it hurts to entertain the idea of us not working out. His breath hitches for a second or two then slows and relaxes in my grip.

"Okay."

"Promise me."

"I promise." He whispers, looking so scared and vulnerable in front of me. I release his wrists and lean forward, wrapping my arms around him. His arms tighten around my back, clinging to me like I might disappear if he lets go.

"Jay." We break apart, but only so I can look him in the eyes. "I love you too."

He nods. Then starts to apologize again. I quickly shush him, pushing him towards the bedroom.

"What-"

"When was the last time you slept?" He blinks owlishly, then ducks his head, muttering sheepishly.

"Two da- You haven't slept since you left?! Halstead! Get in bed!" So glad I've had a exhausted _and_ distracted partner covering my back. But then, it isn't the first time.

"But-"

"Now!" I push him into the area, pulling his jacket off before he can protest and hanging it up by the door. A few minutes later sees both of us in the large queen size, propped up on my million pillows, my head leaning on his. Its quieter, and he's calmed down. I snuggle happily into my personal heater that's always been ten times better than a pillow.

But. We still need to talk. And coming from the girl who despises these things, I know it needs to happen.

"I didn't want you to force it you know." I break the silence, fingers quietly tracing down his pale abdomen.

"I know." He whispers back.

"Then why..." My mouth goes dry and I have to force myself to swallow. "Why'd you leave."

He takes a deep breath and lets it out quietly. I'm afraid I'm being hypocritical, forcing him to talk to me after what I just said.

"She...I don't know I...it's like two different parts of my life are colliding and I hate it. I hated myself so much back then and I hate everything I did when I look back on it now. I know that's not...healthy really but I...I hated myself because I believed that everything that happened was my fault and now I hate that part of my life because the things I did were so low, so _wrong_...it wasn't me. I just...I'm different now. I'm happy. _You_ make me happy. And for her to come back and remind me of all that I did and why I did it...I got scared Erin. I didn't want you to see me like that."

"Like what Jay? You've seen me at my lowest, do you think I'd really judge so quickly? That I would judge you at all?"

"No, I didn't. It wasn't a you thing it was...me and my damn pride I guess. I have the tendency to push people away when I'm dealing with stuff and by dealing with, as Will so kindly put it this afternoon, I mean self deprecating. I just...I didn't want you to have to deal with that. With her. I didn't know how you could, if _I_ couldn't."

I pull my head away, cupping his cheek and staring at him through the darkness.

"Jay." I whisper. "I'll never see you as anything less than what you are. You're _strong_ and funny and so brave. I don't think you're less of a man just because you have demons. I don't care about what you did, I don't care that you came home hurting, I don't care that you're _still_ hurting. I love you, which means I love _all_ of you, hard past and all, just like you love me. Discovering that you're married on a guilt ridden whim, doesn't make me want to run. It makes me want to help you, so that we can figure this out."

Our breathing fills the room, soft and relaxing, despite the fact that I've laid it all out there. I feel his head turn, so he can at least see the outline of me that is made by the moonlight through out windows.

"How in the hell did I manage to get someone as amazing as you to stay with me?" I bark out a laugh at his words, the relief of tension in the room taking pounds off my shoulders. I lean forward, pressing my lips to his, not realizing there were tears down my face until I taste the wet saltiness in between my skin and his. I pull away first, wiping my face with a palm. He grabs the hand as it falls back down to the blankets and holds it, gently rubbing the skin at the base of my wrist.

"We'll get through this." There's a pause between my words and his, but when he responds, it's with more of that proud lilt I've come to know as confidence, and with less of the emptiness he's had before.

"You're damn right we will."

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 **This has been an hormone induced venting session by your local exhausted high school senior. Thank for reading and please come again.**


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